


Test Driving A Baby

by Tish



Category: Fake News FPF, Fake News RPF, Pundit RPF (US), Real News RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Spouse, Gen, Pundit Round Table, What The Hell Olbermann
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-15
Updated: 2013-02-15
Packaged: 2017-11-29 09:38:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/685500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tish/pseuds/Tish
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Anderson mulls over the future, and the possibility of a baby. Trouble is, half the PRT already act like children.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Test Driving A Baby

**Author's Note:**

  * For [toastpiercer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/toastpiercer/gifts).



Stephen frowned and adjusted his glasses, "Why do you have a sack of flour, Anderson? Are you by any chance going to be baking for us? Cupcakes?"

Anderson smiled back, pulling a baby sling out of his backpack, "Possibly. There might be a bun in the oven."

"WHAT?" Keith was suddenly nervous, Rachel and Jon's laughter didn't help matters any.

Rachel had almost jumped put of her skin as Paul suddenly appeared, lifting his head from the depths of Stephen's lap, mainlining a coffee before blearily mumbling, "That sack thing won't prepare you in any way, Coop. Trust me on that."

Anderson held out his iPod earplugs and started a recording of a baby crying. "This better?"

Paul leaned close to the noise and hit the volume control, sending the signal into the red, "That's more like it. You need some way of having the sack wet itself at random times, though."

As he disappeared back under the table, Rachel peeked under it to see him curled up like a cat almost totally in Stephen's lap. Stephen started stroking Paul's hair as he fell asleep again. Shaking her head in bemusement, Rachel rejoined the group.

 

"That's easy, just fix a water bottle to slowly leak," nodded Jon.

Rachel laughed, "It's supposed to be a baby, not a drunkard!"

Jon smiled as he replied, "Drunkard. Baby. What's the diff? They both make unintelligible noises, pee themselves and smell of puke."

"That's what I like about you, Stewart, you're such a romantic," chuckled Keith.

"Anyway, what actually brought on this baby business, Anderson?" Rachel tilted her head curiously.

Coop shrugged, "A new challenge, I suppose. Make a good story, too. Maybe a small part is continuing the line."

Stephen nodded solemnly, adding, “I believe children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.”

Keith looked around at the group, “Thank you, Whitney. None of us have kids, though. So what lives on after us?”

Stephen bristled with offence, “ _I_ have a wife and children, sir.” He took out his phone and showed Keith the wallpaper.

“Isn't that the generic family you get in picture frames?” Anderson asked.

Stephen puffed himself up, “My family are extremely photogenic, Anderson. Thank you for noticing.”

Anderson could only exchange a look with Jon and giggle, Jon giving a shrug in return.

Keith held onto the phone and peered closer as Stephen tried to take it back, snorting, “Is that an iStock Photos watermark on it?”

Stephen gibbered, “Well, yes. They do modelling. Gotta get the kids earning ASAP.”

 

Another day, another round of drinks. 

Rachel slid into the booth and surreptitiously checked under the table for any unexpected guests Stephen may have brought along. 

Stephen clasped his hands on the table and furrowed an eyebrow. “Rachel, I've been thinking about this baby situation, and I've decided that I shall volunteer.”

Rachel narrowed her eyes, “You volunteer to carry Anderson's baby?”

“No! I volunteer to sire your child. With my man seed and your splendid mind and body, our child will be a God amongst men.” Stephen protested.

Rachel was glad she hadn't been drinking anything at that moment, as she spluttered, “ _Sire_? What am I, some sort of race horse?”

“You're a fine filly of a woman, Rachel. ” Stephen answered in a reassuring tone, slightly distracted by the image of him wielding a riding crop against her haughty and impudent buttocks.

“Stephen! Are you listening to me? I. Am. Not. Having. A. Baby. With. You.” Rachel had to poke him sharply in the ribs with each word to bring him back to reality.

 

Jon looked between his two friends as he sat down with them, “Do I really want to know?”

Rachel gladly took one of the drinks Jon had brought over, “No, you really don't.”

Stephen hesitated before asking, “Are you annoyed at me?”

Waving her hands in the air theatrically, Rachel replied, “Oh no, Stephen. _Why_ would you think that?”

With a sigh of relief, Stephen nodded, “Good. I hate when people get you up and riled. So thoughtless of them.”

As he joined them, Keith mused, “Thought-less, now there's a word most apt for you.”

“Too damn right, less thought, more feelings,” Stephen pointed at his gut. “Speaking of which, I feel hungry.” He grabbed the menu and scanned it thoroughly.

 

Something caught Jon's eye and he muttered, “Oh fuck, that's creepy!” He took a swig of his drink as Anderson sat down with a eerily _almost, but not quite_ life-like baby doll. Busy with the baby wrap and carry bag, Anderson missed the look of weirded-out fascination on Keith's face.

Anderson finally looked up, “What?”

“Um,” Rachel shifted uncomfortably.

Jon fought off the feeling that invisible spiders were crawling all over him. “Coop, is that the love-child of Max Headroom and Kim Kardashian?

Anderson looked hurt, “It's from Japan, the newest technology.”

By now, Stephan had surfaced from his menu and was staring at the robo-baby. “Anderson, please don't take that thing home, it looks like it'll crawl into your bed when you're asleep and garotte you.”

Keith nodded agrement, “Just give it an orange wig and call it Chucky.”

“Excuse me, would you speak like that if this were a real child?” Anderson stared at his friends incredulously.

Rachel sighed and put a hand on his shoulder, “Coop, there's no easy way to say this, but that is one ugly baby.”

 

As the days rolled into weeks, the gang finally had room in their schedules. With a smile, Rachel waved to Keith as he held the lobby door open for her.  
“How sweet you are.” Rachel's eyes sparkled as she stepped inside with the cake tin.

“Ah, the dessert will not compare with your sweetness, my dear lady.” Keith mock bowed and winked, suddenly pulling the door closed.

“Very funny, Olbermann!” Jon protested, as he stopped short.

Keith grinned devilishly and opened the door again, “Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't see you down there. Get inside before the snow buries you.”

“Don't worry, I'll kill and eat a buffoonish bear to survive the winter,” Jon retorted.

Pressing the elevator button, Rachel laughed, “You're going to kill Bill O'Reilly? Stephen won't like that.”

“He can suck my Emmys,” Jon answered with a smirk.

 

As they walked along the corridor, Rachel shuddered, “I really hope he doesn't still have that baby.”

“I felt sure that thing's head would do a 360,” Jon felt a fresh wave of the willies rush over him.

Keith's retort was cut off by a laugh from inside Anderson's apartment, as he tapped on the door. “Either Colbert's gone gaga, or the baby got a voice upgrade.”

 

The door was thrown open and Stephen stood there, grinning like a loon, “Hey there! Come on in!”

Jon followed Rachel inside, almost purring at the aroma of soup coming from the kitchen. He took the cake and sandwiches from Keith and Rachel and placed them on the table, then followed after the others, smiling with intrigue at that wonderful laugh.

 

In the middle of a stack of baby toys, Anderson lay on a rug tickling a real, live, actual baby. He was sweet, adorable, and just sickenly cute. The baby wasn't bad, either.  
Stephen's deranged smile was still plastered on his face as he sprawled onto the rug, making delightfully inane baby sounds. The baby giggled again and starting crawling onto Anderson.

Jon felt his heart melt into a puddle of goo, as he knelt down to wave at the baby. “That's ridiculously adorable.”

Rachel sat down cross-legged and picked up a rattle, “So where did this wonderful little fellow come from?”

With an indulgent smile, Keith replied, “Well, when a man and a woman love each other very much-” He laughed as Rachel swiped at him.

“No! Whose baby is he?” Rachel chuckled.

Anderson slowly got up, handing the baby back to Stephen, “A certain late night pundit seems to be behind a roaring trade in baby trafficking. Seems there was a spill of man-seed. I gotta check the soup.”

“Premium man-seed, Anderson,” Stephen intoned. “This one belongs to one of my staffers. Probably Paul.” He held the baby up to check closer. “Yeah, looks like it might be his.”

 

Jon gently shook the little guy's finger, “I take it Paul knows you're looking after his son?”

Stephen nodded, “Sure. I mean he was asleep when I took him. Didn't want to wake my hard-working friend. I left him a note.”

“Just as long as it wasn't a ransom note, Stephen.” Rachel sighed. “I know how you treat your staff.”

“Blackmail and intimidation, right buddy?” Keith laughed, patting him on the back.

“I'm firm but fair. Gotta keep your employees on the hop,” Stephen nodded.

“Oh God, you got Jay to dress up as a kangaroo again, didn't you?” Jon groaned.

Stephen tut-tutted, “Jon, that was a mistake and I promised the lawyers I wouldn't do that again.”

Rachel began to say something, but thought better of it, “I don't want to know, do I?”

Jon shook his head, “Best if you don't, no.”

 

All eyes suddenly turned to the baby. He started to whimper, whine, then cry. Stephen held him as far away from himself as possible.

Rachel protested, “He needs changing, Stephen. Where's the diaper bag?”

“I don't know!” Stephen held out the squirming baby like he was a peace offering.

Keith dodged back, holding his nose.

“Oh for fuck's sake,” Jon muttered. “Does nobody here know how to change a damn diaper?”

“Rachel would know,” Stephen thrust the baby at her.

“What? Why me?” Rachel picked through a bag, taking out lotion and a diaper. She sifted through the bag again. “Balls, cotton balls.”

 

Anderson stood in the doorway, an eyebrow raised in annoyance.“Excuse me, but that baby needs changing.”

“We know!” Jon shrugged.

“Oh, for Pete's sake.” Anderson took the baby and cuddled him. “Bunch of wusses.” He smiled as Rachel found the cotton balls. “Thank you, I'll deal with this. Someone go serve lunch, please?”

 

Stephen, Jon and Keith exchanged a look and darted out, leaving Anderson to shake his head and carry the baby to the bathroom. Rachel followed with the baby gear and smiled as she watched him gently tend to the frustrated and upset baby.

 

With everything clean, Anderson cradled the child, soothing away the last tears. “I think I could get used to this.”

Rachel smiled. “You're a good man, Coop.”

“I even made cupcakes.” Anderson grinned back.


End file.
